Kerry Feehan
My journey so far…
Like many people l didn’t have the best upbringing, but l tried to make the best of my life… I tried, maybe too hard, as l made so many mistakes. Yet somehow l got through, l always picked myself up, brushed myself down and got on with it, probably out of sheer determination!!
I was not really a happy person. Very stressed, easily irritated and argumentative!! I guess I constantly felt that l always had something to prove – I was not that “horrible person” that they made me out to be. I did not like myself at all feeling that l was not a very nice person, and made it hard for others to like me too. I never let anyone too close, and found it hard to trust people.
I met my partner (the better half lol) James in 2004, and we moved up here in 2006. I felt that l could no longer live in Devon, the ghosts constantly reminding me of my past. I know that if we had stayed, then we would not be together today!
James is an amazing person! He has been a rock, supported me, encouraged me and most of all has been patient with me, even today he still sometimes has to give me a “kick up the bum”.
In 2009 l had my third child, Mackenzie. It was a difficult pregnancy, the birth was a nightmare, and even though l had this beautiful baby boy, l didn’t know what to do, and found it hard, l got depressed as l felt so alone, with no friends – it felt like no one cared.
James’s Mum, was brilliant, a real rock. We are great friends and to be honest l refer to her as “my mum” because she has been more of a mother to me, she knows me really well, and is as a mother she should be, knows when to get involved and when to butt out!! She is a star.
Eventually, when Mackenzie was about three or four months old l found Linda’s Playgroup at St Mary’s, l went along and took mum along with me (moral support) and it was really nice! To my surprise l really enjoyed it. Linda was lovely, so warm and welcoming.
Linda got excited as her daughter Mary was coming back from the States and had a baby girl Leah around the same age as Mackenzie and she wanted us to meet. l have since become really good friends with Mary, and felt that we got a bit closer as we were both pregnant again at the same time. My son Malachi was born in the August and Mary had Hope in September.
Mary and I began to spend more time together, and this is where my crazy journey really all starts!!
I wanted my boys to go to Ashley School, mainly as it was close to where l lived at the time, and l had heard it was a really good school. I also wanted the boys to have the best education they deserved, and after conversations I realised that it was down to me to ensure that they got into that school, and l was prepared to do what was required of me to get them in! Then Mary suggested l did an Alpha course, and l said l would think about it… She was really gentle with the Alpha course recommendation, she was not at all pushy and did not keep going on and on about it – if l asked her a question, she would answer it, but l guess the seed had been planted and then it was down to me, and l did think about it, quite a lot!!
Mary and l spent time together during the summer break of 2010, and l began to feel very drawn towards Mary which felt a bit odd… One day we were walking along the road chatting, and l found myself really looking at Mary – l saw love coming off her in waves, and l felt a sense of calm, so warm and loved. All l wanted to do was throw my arms around her, give her a really big hug and tell her that l loved her!! AWKWARD!!! I felt this to be a bit weird as l had never felt this sensation before, and could not tell her, l was very embarrassed!! Mary was going to be leading crèche at St Mary’s and asked for support from friends, so l said that l would go, the boy’s enjoyed it, and so did l and from them on
I thought even more about the Alpha course, and I decided l would go to the introduction evening, l told myself to be open minded and see what it’s all about… After this l thought umm OK, and maybe if I just go to the first few sessions, see how l get on, l can always leave if it’s not my thing… I had to make a decision, but l was still so unsure, Then I thought – right that’s it!! I cannot think about it any more, it‘s doing my head in and giving me a headache! I will definitely go.
I attended the Alpha course in September 2010, and really enjoyed it! It was an amazing journey to go on and after a while l felt that l needed that little bit extra help, and John suggested l get myself a study bible, that way l would be able to read into our sessions a bit more, so Mary and I arranged a day out to go and buy one. We had a wonderful day out and we also got a beautiful Bible, I say we because Mary I and went halves on it – and I learnt so so much, not only about myself but also about God and how much he loves me and wants the best for me, just like a dad would… I made some wonderful friends on Alpha who l care about very much, and have since gone on to join a study group, with a wonderful bunch of girls!! They are all great and l hold them all close to my heart!
I decided that l would become a Christian, and committed my life to Christ and since then my life has kind of taken off!!!
I have found that my approach to life has changed, l am a lot calmer, and I think I am more patient, and l try really hard not to let things get me down. I am a BIG believer in the power of prayer. The results are really amazing – prayer has done so much for me and my family!! Some examples… We lived in a small two bed roomed flat, myself, James, my daughter Peta and the boys, Mackenzie and Malachi. After praying lots (believing, trusting and having faith in God) we were given a beautiful three bed roomed house, not by the council, or housing authority – but our landlord and lady bought it for us!!
In the spring of 2011 l offered to help on the morning Alpha course and I really enjoyed it, watching everyone grow in their belief was a true honour! But the sad thing was that there was no Mother and Toddler group any more, as it folded, so the Alpha crèche leaders had to try and muddle through, but they did a great job in entertaining the children! It really bothered me that there was no more Mother and Toddler group, what would we do for future morning Alpha sessions?? It ate away at me and in the end l put my hands up and OK, OK, enough already! I will offer to set up and run a new one…
I had a vision as to how it should be run, and decided that l wanted it to be Christian based, with crafts themed on Bible stories and for the children to have a bible story read to them at story time. At snack time the children would have healthy snacks like fruit and raw vegetables, their drink would be water, none of this sweet stuff and E numbers to send the kids banana’s!! It took a lot of hard work but now the Mother and Toddler group (called New Creations) is up and running… Every Tuesday from 9.30 till 11.30 at St John’s church in Walton on Thames. Numbers have been steadily rising and everyone seems to have a wonderful time!! So mission accomplished!! lol
I love my new life!! And I am looking forward to being baptized and confirmed. I am also preparing for my next mission too!!!!
It’s great to be a part of God’s family, I am never ever alone, and if l feel that l am slipping, l will speak to God (the boys often ask who l am talking to) and some how either through reading the Bible or speaking to a member of the clergy team or even just chatting in general, the answer always comes to me!! And do you know the best thing?? This is only the start of my journey!!
So with all of this in mind, please pray with me to thank these special people – without their guidance l would not be where l am today!!
Thank you Lord for these wonderful people: Mary Kurz, Linda and John Muggleton, Kim Wright, Jackie Richardson and Sheila Samuels – without their love support, guidance and faith l would not be where l am now. And special thanks to James (my partner) For his faith and patience. Amen
Kerry Feehan – July 2011
